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I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw