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by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.