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Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
😎 🍻
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
New menu item
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *