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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long