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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes