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I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please