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I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Its true…
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Worth remembering.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍