You Might Also Like
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me: I鈥檒l have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven鈥檛 eaten it yet
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Let鈥檚 move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I鈥檇 nearly have a Euro.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
You don鈥檛 need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
馃檨
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they鈥檙e going to ask me a riddle
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.