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I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
I finally found a reason to live again.
