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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.