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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
