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“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
The answer is funnier than the question
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch