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idk what this dog had been going through but same
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.