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“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Toxic snake
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn