*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
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If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.