*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
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Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?