Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

what’s the point then??

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do