Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

I was bored.

I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

That eye roll….

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

This will never not be funny to me.