Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

Sorted

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.