95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
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The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
? 💀
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought