95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.
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Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream