95% of dentists recommend teeth.
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Tuesday
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them