95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.