95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Incredible customer service.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I thought this was funny lol
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…