Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

[the middle of showering] I need a break

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend