95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
You Might Also Like
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]