Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

date: what are you thinking about

me: fall should be spelled fa//

date:

me:

date: fell should be spelled fe_ _

*we kiss*

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”