95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”