95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
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My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
can’t catch a break
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running