Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.