95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!