95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
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[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell