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Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Not today. 😅
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
real
This made me chuckle.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh