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[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.