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robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I have no passwords left in me
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.