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You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
so weird how every mom was born today
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
britain’s three elite institutions
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends