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Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Just ordered me some pizza!
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what