Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”

-Veterinarians

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

ㅤ

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

I’m tired tomorrow.

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend