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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other