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Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
This kid will have a bright future.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
🤣😂🤣😂
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]