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Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
😎 🍻
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
My daily affirmation
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
#oldknees
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.