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[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.