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If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.