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things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Managing expectations
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I love this❤️😁👍
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.