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Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x