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Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.