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pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Seems kinda suspicious
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I love you…
…r dog.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
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a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.