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[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case