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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
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Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .