You Might Also Like
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.