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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
my retirement plan is braless
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.