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Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
sry
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop