You Might Also Like
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT