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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’