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BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!