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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.