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Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
fourth time’s the charm
