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I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.