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you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.