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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
socratic questions
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.