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Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Before & after 😅
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
ME (calling my horse with no name):