You Might Also Like
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
