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If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
The biggest mystery of our time
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket