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I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
🌲😼
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
The probiotic bottle says there’s a billion good bacteria in every dose. How do we know they’re all good? Out of a billion can we be sure there’s not one mean ass microbe just waiting to escape the capsule and kill someone?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.