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I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
happy halloween
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
lol
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’