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Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.