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“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff