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Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Perfect.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.