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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Oh how the tables have turned Linda鈥ave fun getting out now! 馃槒馃槀馃惗
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Gorilla vs. cold water聽馃槀
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Wife: I鈥檒l bet you $100 you can鈥檛 go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
we’re gonna need another temp
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
This is funnier than it should be. 馃槀
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
This seems like peak sibling energy
I thought the noise my husband鈥檚 stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet