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5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.